The Hills Have Eyes

The Hills Have Eyes

Blood/gore: 10

Dialogue: 10

Sexual Content: 7

Special Effects: 5

Weapons: 9

Destruction: 4

Overall: 45/60

This is an instant classic horror film. Absolutely gruesome and relentless, this was not made for the weak stomached. It goes right up there with Hostel as being one of the bloodiest movies I have ever seen. The rape scene is a bit much to take unless you have a really strong stomach, but other than that this movie is brutal. People get jacked up. I am not talking like Chris Berman and the Monday Night Football gang talking about some big hits, I am talking about straight up painful, mutilating, violence; I suggest only the best kind of violence for you all, my loyal fans.

The Hills Have Eyes 2

The Hills Have Eyes 2

Blood/gore: Easily a 10.

Dialogue: Easily a 10.

Sexual Content: Some tits in the movie, but it is some mutant tits during birth. Gross. Gets a 4 none the less.
Special Effects: Not an abundance. Gets a 4.

Weapons: There are some crude ways of death in this one. Since I am a fan of crude, primitive killings, it gets an 8.

Destruction: Not so much. Gets a 2.

Overall: 38/60

First, I must suggest that you all go and see The Hills Have Eyes before you see this. Not only is it way better, but it helps you understand this one (I will rate the first one in 5 minutes for you). This movie is insane. People bleed. A lot. Really all there is to say. Other than the fact that these "evolved" mutant people are cannibals and they enjoy raping women (which is disgusting by the way). Not really much else to tell you other than if you want some blood and carnage and a solid horror movie, rent both of the Hills Have Eyes movies and enjoy.

Sunshine

Sunshine

Blood/gore: Not much in the first hour, but heats up in the end. It gets a 7.

Dialogue: Confusing for a few minutes here and there. Some mild language. Gets a 5.

Sexual Content: Nope. Some hotness. Gets a 3.

Special Effects: Amazing. Purely amazing. Some of the best I have ever seen. Surely a 10.

Weapons: The only real weapon in the movie is some wierd, futuristic knife that is like a mini light saber. It gets a 4.

Destruction: A bunch of sweet space shuttles get jacked up. It gets a 10.

Overall: 39/60

This movie gets a fairly low rating based on my system, but I will admit that I have a huge man crush on Danny Boyle, the director. He also directed 28 Days Later, The Beach, Trainspotting (all three are personal favorites). He is just a completely innovative director who pops out amazing movies as fast as the Spears sisters popping out babies. I also have a huge man crush on Cillian Murphy (again, star of most of Boyle's recent movies). Anyway, the special effects in this movie are what I will safely call the best I have ever seen in a movie not made by Spielberg or George Lucas. I suggest watching this movie if you are a sci-fi fan or just a fan of sweet special effects because it definitely delivers in both departments.

The Condemned

THE CONDEMNED

Blood/gore: No shortage of blood. An easy 9.

Dialogue: It gets a 10 because Stone Cold said so.

Sexual Content: Eh. Only about 4 girls in the movie and 2 are hot. I give it a 2.

Special Effects: Not a whole lot of special effects. Some cool stunts though. It gets a 4.

Weapons: Again, nothing sweet, but since it is just a flat out brutal movie, I give it a 7.
Destruction: Again, not a ton, but it gets an honest 6.

Overall: 38/60

Don't let the overall fairly low rating fool you. This is definitely a movie worth seeing. I figured it was going to be garbage due to the high ratio of wrestlers/bodybuilders turned actor to real quality actors. But, the movie is worth seeing for Vinnie Jones alone. This guy has to be one of the funniest people in the history of civilization. He is a former soccer hooligan and was one of the wildest bad boys of Euro Soccer before getting kicked out of the league. Other than Jason Statham, this guy is one of the biggest badasses in Hollywood. Oh, and I have to admit that Stone Cold Steve Austin really doesn't totally suck at acting. Don't get me wrong, he still is a stupid, redneck, meatheaded, former WWF superstar, but the dude has some great lines he says in this movie. I also really like the idea of the movie, which is putting ten death row inmates on an island and letting them fight til only one is alive. That is sweet. Between you, my faithful 3 fans, and me, if it were up to me I would be doing events like this 3 times a week on Pay-Per-View.

The Mist

THE MIST

Blood/gore: No shortage of it. It gets a 10.

Dialogue: Good usage of swearing throughout. It deserves an 8.

Sexual Content: None. Gets a 1 just for having some hot girls in the movie.

Special Effects: Solid special effects. The creature does not look cheesy. Similar in the taste of Cloverfield, this gets a 9.

Weapons: Gets a 7. They use a lot of primitive weapons (sharpened sticks, rakes, knives).
Destruction: It gets a 6 for the destruction of people alone. Not much property itself gets destructed though.

Overall: 41/60

This is the newest movie based on a Stephen King book. I personally liked it. It is graphically entertaining and I have to respect any horror/creature movie that has a non-cheesy creature. This movie is definitely one of the more bloody movies I have seen in a while. People get pretty jacked up throughout, which is why I gave it a 10 for blood/gore, and why I suggest seeing it. The ending is messed up though. It really makes you drop your jaw and say "WOW." The movie leaves a few questions open, which could make you angry at the end, but only a slight drawback to an otherwise sweet horror movie that I would say easily rivals The Shining as the best Stephen King book to movie. Thomas Jane (the main character of this. Also seen in The Punisher and Deep Blue Sea) is not a terribly gifted actor, a little fake and monotone at times, but he is a badass and delivers as a solid action hero in The Mist.

Cloverfield

Cloverfield

Blood/gore: Not an insane amount of blood and gore, except a few scenes where people explode. But tons of menacing deaths cause me to give it a 9.
Dialogue: It seems so real (mainly because the home video effect of the cinematography), but never the less, it has its funny moments also. Solid script. It gets a 9.

Sexual Content: Some nice eye candy to look at throughout the movie, but nothing major. It gets a 4.
Special Effects: Amazing special effects. Typical monster thriller movies are cheesy, but where those all went wrong, Cloverfield succeeded. I give it a perfect 10.
Weapons: The army pumps the shit out of the monster with typical army weapons, which would give the movie a 6, but the monster eats people, uses its tail thing to crush stuff and it throws the head of the Statue of Liberty at people. That makes the weapons get a 9.

Destruction: Probably the most destructive movie I have ever seen. Between the army and the monster, Manhattan gets obliterated. It definitely gets a 10.

Overall: 51/60

It is a super short movie, actually the exact length of a DV Tape due to the idea of it supposed to be a home video account of what happened, but it packs so much into 72 minutes. The monster is not corny either, which had me hooked as soon as I saw it. I really liked this movie because it just felt so real; the terror and suspense was amazing. At points you really feel like you could be going through what they are. Just a great movie and concept from J.J. Abrams (he wrote Armageddon, an awesome guy movie, as well as being the producer for TV's hit show Lost). This is definitely a must see movie, and I strongly recommend doing so very soon.

No Country For Old Men

No Country For Old Men
Blood/gore: Lots of blood. Gets a 9.
Dialogue: Darkly funny. Hard to follow at times. you really have to pay attention to the movie. It gets a 8 just for Javier Bardem alone
Sexual Content: None. Barely beats out There Will Not Be Blood. It gets a 1 for at least having female characters.
Special Effects: Not insanely good. Not bad though. A 5 seems reasonable.
Weapons: Javier Bardem uses a silenced shotgun and a CO2 tank used to kill cattle. Weapons get a 10.
Destruction: Some solid destruction of cars via crashes and explosions, as well as just some flat out painting the town red. I estimate it at roughly 2,065,300 mexican pesos worth of destruction. I give it a 7.
Overall: 40/60

Definitely not the best movie I have ever seen, but not bad. I would say you have to see it once just to say you have seen it for Javier Badass (I legally changed his name from Javier Bardem to Javier Badass like 2 minutes ago) alone. Where has this guy been my whole life? Seriously, you definitely see why he won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. He also uses a silenced shotgun to kill people. When the hell has anyone ever heard of a silenced shotgun? Exactly. The movie is a little boring at times, but still a hell of a lot more manly than the other terrible candidates for Best Picture at the Academy Awards. I don't necessarily recommend buying it unless you really like it, so I would definitely put the kids to bed early one night and rent this very well made suspenseful crime/mystery thrill ride. The Coen Brothers (also made The Big Lebowski, the funniest movie ever) seem to have found their niche with this offbeat, darkly hilarious movie. I can tell you now though, you will have some unanswered questions after watching it the first time.

Review: The Kingdom

The Kingdom

Blood/gore: Tons of it. Easily a 10.

Dialogue: Hilarious sarcasm throughout the movie. Sarcasm gets you

an easy 10 in my book.

Sexual Content: No T&A, but Garner is a slammin hottie in uniform. It gets

a 6 just for being able to gawk at her all movie.

Special Effects: Amazing. Purely amazing. Well crafted movie. It gets a 9.

Weapons: You have to respect RPGs, Automatic Rifles, and human bombs.

It gets a 10

Destruction: It is a movie about terrorism. I would give it a 12 if 10

wasn't the highest possible score. So a 10.

Overall: 55/60

I had heard some bad reviews about this movie from some friends, which is why I had not seen it until just last night. Needless to say, my friends are idiots. This was one of the most suspenseful movies I have ever seen. Usually I think critics lie when they say crap like "this movie will have you glued to your seet from start to finish. You won't be able to turn away." With The Kingdom, that really is true. So much amazing special effects and gun scenes that I nearly crapped myself. It was that awesome. Jamie Foxx, Chris Cooper, Jason Bateman, and the smoking hot Jennifer Garner were all phenomenal as their respective characters. I especially loved the never ending sarcasm of Bateman, Cooper and Foxx. I found myself laughing at jokes as much as being in awe of the downright sick battle scenes. It is an easy to movie to follow, which makes the fact that it is really more of a movie focused on solving a crime that much better. Where other crime solving movies go lame and boring for most of the movie, The Kingdom goes through the roof with an explosive punch that will leave you in awe. Trust me, it is well worth the $4 to rent this and watch it a couple times. Hell, I would even say it is well worth $15 to buy.

New Addition

In response to my first email, and probably my only responder and frequent subscriber to my blog, I have decided to add a new category to the review: Destruction. The amount of destruction caused in each movie (The estimated $$$ amount of destruction by me. Typically guestimated in $$ form, but sometimes will be seen in peso amount). This causes each review to now be out of 60 points, not 50. To update my first three reviews, Hitman gets a 6 for destruction, Shoot Em Up gets an 8, and There Will (not) Be Blood gets a 2. Updated review rankings are as follows:
Hitman: 47/60
Shoot Em Up: 56/60
There Will (not) Be Blood: 6/60

First Movie Reviews (Hitman, Shoot Em Up, There Will Be Blood)

I would first of all like to give a big shout out to the Academy Awards for not screwing up this years best picture award by giving it to the only acceptable candidate, No Country For Old Men. With that said, here are the first three Man Reviews

HITMAN

Blood/gore: Tons of blood in this movie. I give it an 8

Dialogue: They say fuck more often than people are killed. Which is a lot. I give it an 8.

Sexual Content: At one point there is a three minute long sequence of Olga Kurylenko's tits. She is smoking hot in case you were wondering. I give it a 9

Special Effects: Solid in the explosion department. Some pretty sweet scenes cut in also. I give it a modest 6.

Weapons: Amazing gunplay, with a sick sword scene. I give it a 10.

OVERALL: 41/50

Definitely worth seeing by any action movie connoisseur's standards. I am a sucker for automatic pistols with silencers and sniper rifles, which makes this movie awesome from a weapons standpoint. An easy to follow plot couped with tons of sweet guns make Hitman an action hit (yes, I still frequently use corny cliches just like regular film critics do).

Shoot Em Up

Blood/gore: So much blood spills. I give it a 10

Dialogue: Hilariously smart dialogue with no shortage of cursing. I give it a 9

Sexual Content: Two words: Monica Bellucci. And her character is a whore. I give it a 10

Special Effects: Just over the top and ridiculous at times. It's bloody brilliant. I give it an 9
Weapons: So many guns, so little time. I give it a 10.

Overall: 48/50

They should have made this movie twice as long. It is a brilliant masterpiece. In one scene, Bellucci, who you will probably commonly see on here as having high scores for her movies in the sexual content department, and Clive Owen, who you will quickly realize is one the most bad ass actors ever, are having sex while running around their apartment with Owen shooting assassins. The action in this movie is so ridiculous at times, you can't help but laugh. Shoot Em Up delivers as one of the best action movies you will ever see. I guarantee it.

There Will Be Blood

Blood/gore: There are like 3 people who die all movie. Never the less, it has more blood than a Care Bears movie. I give it a 2

Dialogue: As exciting as an episode of Matlock. I give it a 1

Sexual Content: There are no chicks in the movie. Only dudes. I give it a 0

Special Effects: Some cool scenes. I give it a 1

Guns: Ha. I give it a 0.

Overall: 4/50

Come on academy, how could you actually put this up for best picture. Daniel Day Lewis is a resident bad ass, but not in this movie. If oil were blood then this would make Saving Private Ryan look like a Nicktoon, but it's not. So this movie sucked the big one. Speaking of the big one, there are like 2 female characters in the whole movie. Thank god you don't see any man parts (junk, twig and berries, etc.) or else I would have gouged my eyes out from boredom. Two and a half hours of this aforementioned crap doesn't help either. There Will NOT Be Blood was insanely boring and pointless. Do not waste your time.


Next movies to be reviewed: I have no idea, but at some point I will tear apart all the other horrible movies that were up for Best Picture and I will review the winner, No Country For Old Men.

How the system works

The system itself is a 50 point system, subjectively decided by none other than me. It is broken down into 5 categories (each one with a maximum of 10 points); blood/gore, dialogue (swearing, easy to understand), sexual content, special effects, weapons.

To understand what a movie needs to get a perfect ten in each category, here is an idea of which movies would get a 10 for each category:

Blood/gore: Not much better in my book than Hostel, Seven or Saving Private Ryan.

Dialogue: Casino, or Alpha Dog (two of the movies that drop the f-bomb the most). The Big Lebowski and Boondock Saints also deserve their fair regards in this category.

Sexual Content: Striptease. Just an awesome guy movie for some T&A (what will commonly be reffered to in my blog as tits and ass). Some non nearly porn movies would be Monster's Ball and Swordfish (these two movies particularly for Halle Berry's fine boobs), Shoot Em Up, Original Sin, Bound (gotta represent the lesbian love scenes......a definitely good idea for the ideal man movie)

Special Effects: Does it get any better than any of The Matrix Trilogy movies? Others recieving high scores: Independence Day, Terminator, Total Recall, Lord of The Rings

Weapons: The Matrix, Gladiator, Boondock Saints


Here is an idea of what movies would get a 1 in each category:
-Anything with Matthew McConaughey (I told a friend I would mention his name once in my post. There is his name, let it never be seen again). Let's face it guys, he just does not make very good movies for dudes.