New Addition

In response to my first email, and probably my only responder and frequent subscriber to my blog, I have decided to add a new category to the review: Destruction. The amount of destruction caused in each movie (The estimated $$$ amount of destruction by me. Typically guestimated in $$ form, but sometimes will be seen in peso amount). This causes each review to now be out of 60 points, not 50. To update my first three reviews, Hitman gets a 6 for destruction, Shoot Em Up gets an 8, and There Will (not) Be Blood gets a 2. Updated review rankings are as follows:
Hitman: 47/60
Shoot Em Up: 56/60
There Will (not) Be Blood: 6/60

First Movie Reviews (Hitman, Shoot Em Up, There Will Be Blood)

I would first of all like to give a big shout out to the Academy Awards for not screwing up this years best picture award by giving it to the only acceptable candidate, No Country For Old Men. With that said, here are the first three Man Reviews

HITMAN

Blood/gore: Tons of blood in this movie. I give it an 8

Dialogue: They say fuck more often than people are killed. Which is a lot. I give it an 8.

Sexual Content: At one point there is a three minute long sequence of Olga Kurylenko's tits. She is smoking hot in case you were wondering. I give it a 9

Special Effects: Solid in the explosion department. Some pretty sweet scenes cut in also. I give it a modest 6.

Weapons: Amazing gunplay, with a sick sword scene. I give it a 10.

OVERALL: 41/50

Definitely worth seeing by any action movie connoisseur's standards. I am a sucker for automatic pistols with silencers and sniper rifles, which makes this movie awesome from a weapons standpoint. An easy to follow plot couped with tons of sweet guns make Hitman an action hit (yes, I still frequently use corny cliches just like regular film critics do).

Shoot Em Up

Blood/gore: So much blood spills. I give it a 10

Dialogue: Hilariously smart dialogue with no shortage of cursing. I give it a 9

Sexual Content: Two words: Monica Bellucci. And her character is a whore. I give it a 10

Special Effects: Just over the top and ridiculous at times. It's bloody brilliant. I give it an 9
Weapons: So many guns, so little time. I give it a 10.

Overall: 48/50

They should have made this movie twice as long. It is a brilliant masterpiece. In one scene, Bellucci, who you will probably commonly see on here as having high scores for her movies in the sexual content department, and Clive Owen, who you will quickly realize is one the most bad ass actors ever, are having sex while running around their apartment with Owen shooting assassins. The action in this movie is so ridiculous at times, you can't help but laugh. Shoot Em Up delivers as one of the best action movies you will ever see. I guarantee it.

There Will Be Blood

Blood/gore: There are like 3 people who die all movie. Never the less, it has more blood than a Care Bears movie. I give it a 2

Dialogue: As exciting as an episode of Matlock. I give it a 1

Sexual Content: There are no chicks in the movie. Only dudes. I give it a 0

Special Effects: Some cool scenes. I give it a 1

Guns: Ha. I give it a 0.

Overall: 4/50

Come on academy, how could you actually put this up for best picture. Daniel Day Lewis is a resident bad ass, but not in this movie. If oil were blood then this would make Saving Private Ryan look like a Nicktoon, but it's not. So this movie sucked the big one. Speaking of the big one, there are like 2 female characters in the whole movie. Thank god you don't see any man parts (junk, twig and berries, etc.) or else I would have gouged my eyes out from boredom. Two and a half hours of this aforementioned crap doesn't help either. There Will NOT Be Blood was insanely boring and pointless. Do not waste your time.


Next movies to be reviewed: I have no idea, but at some point I will tear apart all the other horrible movies that were up for Best Picture and I will review the winner, No Country For Old Men.

How the system works

The system itself is a 50 point system, subjectively decided by none other than me. It is broken down into 5 categories (each one with a maximum of 10 points); blood/gore, dialogue (swearing, easy to understand), sexual content, special effects, weapons.

To understand what a movie needs to get a perfect ten in each category, here is an idea of which movies would get a 10 for each category:

Blood/gore: Not much better in my book than Hostel, Seven or Saving Private Ryan.

Dialogue: Casino, or Alpha Dog (two of the movies that drop the f-bomb the most). The Big Lebowski and Boondock Saints also deserve their fair regards in this category.

Sexual Content: Striptease. Just an awesome guy movie for some T&A (what will commonly be reffered to in my blog as tits and ass). Some non nearly porn movies would be Monster's Ball and Swordfish (these two movies particularly for Halle Berry's fine boobs), Shoot Em Up, Original Sin, Bound (gotta represent the lesbian love scenes......a definitely good idea for the ideal man movie)

Special Effects: Does it get any better than any of The Matrix Trilogy movies? Others recieving high scores: Independence Day, Terminator, Total Recall, Lord of The Rings

Weapons: The Matrix, Gladiator, Boondock Saints


Here is an idea of what movies would get a 1 in each category:
-Anything with Matthew McConaughey (I told a friend I would mention his name once in my post. There is his name, let it never be seen again). Let's face it guys, he just does not make very good movies for dudes.